Impressions of motherhood so far

I think that motherhood may be a never ceasing, anxious desire to make everything perfect for my child, and constant sense of grief at my inability to do so.

Pediatric Cardiologist

Today we saw our pediatric cardiologist for the second time. When we arrived for Hattie's chest was X-Ray, Chris and I donned lead vests and sat on the table to hold her arms and legs down. She was calm the whole time, just looked around with wide eyes. Then we went to the doctor's office and found out that she has gained 1 pound and 12 ounces in 6 weeks! She weighed 8 lbs! It was very exciting, especially since we've had some breastfeeding challenges lately.
Hattie's EKG was a more difficult test, she had to lie very still because muscle movement interferes with the electrode's readings. She was getting hungry and the nurse had to keep retaking the test. We decided to try feeding Hattie while she laid on the table, which caused the electrodes to be bumped off Hattie's chest. The nurse had to reattach them while Hattie was latched on, causing discomfort for us all. Finally though, we all settled in and we were able to get a good reading.

Sick Days

Last night I began thinking about sick days. Chris has been coming down with a cold for a couple of days, and I could tell last night that he would be calling in sick today. My first thought was "Yay, a sick day!" Sick days-days when Chris and I both called in sick-have been something like snow days for the last few years. An extra weekend day where we both feel justified in doing no housework, just lounging around the house, reading and sleeping. But then I realized, sick days will be the same as other days for me. I can't stop nursing or snuggling with Hattie just because I don't feel well, in fact, she may want to nurse more when we are all sick. Her diapers still need to be washed, as do the parts to my breast pump. So while Chris held Hattie less today, for fear of exposing her to his cold, I held her more, due to the new hobby she picked up at 3:30am -never sleeping for more than about 20 minutes at a time. Side note-this is a normal thing that babies do at six weeks/when congested and not feeling well/during a growth spurt/other thing that will go away-right???

Growing up in the 80's and 90's allowed me to believe that marriage is a partnership. We'll split things 50-50, according to our talents and interests. And so far, Chris and I have been pretty good at that. But parenthood-at least the kind of parenting we are choosing, along with our specific child's needs-does not allow for this. Even if Chris held Hattie every minute she was not nursing, I'd have her most of the time. I can see the attraction of bottles at this point. If Chris could feed Hattie, we'd be able to divide the parenting tasks more flexibly-by parts of the day, hourly shifts, etc. But since we are nursing on demand, I am the primary caregiver. I don't think I was prepared for the responsibility of this position, and I don't think Chris was prepared for how it would feel to be unable to participate in so much of Hattie's care.

Thoughts on babywearing

After a busy day on the town, Hattie's sleep schedule was all messed up yesterday. She slept a ton during the day, then wanted to eat frequently all night, but seemed to be overtired and struggled to latch and fall back to sleep after she was done eating. This pattern continued this morning-we woke up at 6 am to nurse, she was done eating by 8 am and we still didn't get back to bed until 9 am. I spent most of that hour carrying her around the house singing "The ants go marching." By the way, nothing rhymes with thirty five. We need to exterminate those suckers at 10, beyond that the verses are just nonsense.

I stayed cheerful for Hattie as I was singing and marching, but I was exhausted and frustrated. We slept for a couple of hours, Chris came home for lunch and relieved me, then I put Hattie in a wrap for a round of nursing. I was able to sort laundry with one hand while supporting her head with another hand, and music is always playing in my laundry room, so I sang to her while we did laundry. We were doing the exact same things we had done 4 hours previously, but the tone was 100% different. I felt good, I was having fun and Hattie fell asleep after nursing much faster and stayed asleep longer.



I think this is a great example of the benefits of including a baby in NORMAL life. She and I are both happiest when she is a part of normal day to day activities-not when I ignore her needs to do what I need to do, or when I completely ignore my own needs to do things for her. Our relationship is meant to be primarily one of symbiosis, not sacrifice.

Nipple Shield

While I was in the hospital, I was given the high pressure sales pitch to start using a nipple shield to nurse Hattie. Unfortunately, Hattie learned to nurse on the shield and when I tried to feed her without it, she did not know what to do. I've been increasingly anxious about this for the last couple of weeks, I really want Hattie to be confident in nursing without the shield before we introduce bottles, which we will have to do before I go back to work. So we've been practicing nursing without a shield every day. This usually leads to Hattie screaming and turning red, and me feeling upset and guilty-guilty for making her cry as well as guilty for letting her nurse on the shield to calm her.

Today Hattie and I nursed with the shield before getting up for the day, then changed her diaper. I sat down to nurse her on my other breast, but as we were trying to get latched on, I removed the nipple shield for a practice session. Hattie latched on ok and even swallowed a few times! I kept waiting for her to become frustrated and overwhelmed...and it never happened. She did become upset when she released the suction and there was no gigantic nipple just sitting in her mouth-we had to re-latch every time she let go. But each time we just reconnected and she went back to drinking! We haven't used the shield all day, I am nipple shield free! I am so proud of my little girl, its like suddenly everything fell into place and she just knew what to do. Again, she is training me to trust her. Not to worry about things that may happen in a month, but to trust that she will figure it out when she needs to. She is so amazing.

The Center for Disabilities and Development

Today we traveled to Iowa City for Hattie's first visit to The Center for Disabilities and Development. She was examined by a doctor and we met with a social worker, and on subsequent visits she will be evaluated by various therapists, who can then make recommendations to the therapists we will see on a regular basis back home.

The staff we met with were all wonderful, they were excited to see a baby. They gave us plenty of time to nurse and care for Hattie in between appointments. One nurse who works there has actually worked as a lactation counselor and sat down with us while Hattie ate and gave me some ideas for dealing with this nipple shield! She was about 10x more helpful than the lactation counselors at the hospital were, I was really grateful for her help.

The doctor who examined Hattie was great, she answered all of our questions, was easy to understand and very down to earth. I wish she could be our regular pediatrician. She said that Hattie is looking good! The social worker is going to refer us to the Area Education Agency, who will send physical and occupational therapists to our home to work with Hattie regularly. I'm really glad this will be getting started soon, I've been feeling like we were behind on starting those services.

On our way home, we stopped to vote-Hattie's first election!